was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I use my feet as sexual weapons
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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