I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
