Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
