dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
