she woke up with a sticky ear
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
