I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
