apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
