did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Sorry about my life...
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Randomize
