Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
