I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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