So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
