I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
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