Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
