glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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