You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
