i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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