you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
as a side note pls kill me
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
