I think I won the penis lottery.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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