Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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