my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
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