His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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