I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
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