The beers last night were like the tears from god
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
