I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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