why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
