You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
