You made me cry and you don't even care
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
