Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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