On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
