Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
Randomize
