I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
