Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
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I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
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Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
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