new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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