Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
