If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
