we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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