Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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