On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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