soooo we both peed the bed last night...
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
