Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
