People in love make me want to vomit
Welp...herpes.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
