I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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