Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
