Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
