How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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