in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
FUCK WHALES
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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