I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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