i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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