you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
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Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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