I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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