He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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