i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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