I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
