Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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