I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
