Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
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I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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