Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
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i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
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I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
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