If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
