I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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