You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
