Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
